S2 Episode 1: A is for Anxiety - Balancing Back to School Stress // Bette Alkazian of Balanced Parenting

“Younger brains... are unable to regulate themselves on screens... and so we have to teach them balance.”

-Bette Alkazian, LMFT

Healthy Screen Habit Takeaway

Show Transcript

Hillary Wilkinson (00:00):

I'm so excited to introduce today's guest, as a licensed marriage and family therapist, parenting coach, and nationally recognized parenting expert. Betty Alkazian works with families to ease challenges and increase joys of raising children. Her latest work in progress is a book on anxiety and that topic is what we are going to discuss today. I'm so grateful to have you as a guest and dive into this topic of anxiety, which seems to affect us all in one way or another, at some point in our lives. Welcome Betty Alkazian!

Bette Alkazian (00:48):

Thank you. I'm very excited to be here.

Hillary Wilkinson (00:50):

Talking about your, your newest topic of interest.

Bette Alkazian (00:55):

Well, it didn't happen, you know, just randomly it was because it was what comes through my door every single day, not to mention what happens in my house all day, every day.

Hillary Wilkinson (01:09):

Right. So it's interesting. You talk about it coming through your door every day, because from the untrained eye, which would be mine, it seems as though we are kind of having this moment of like, almost like a twin pandemic, not just with COVID-19  but also with this term that we hear again and again, which is anxiety. And I think that whenever we're approaching a term or a topic that gets used a lot, a great place to start is simply with the definition. So that being said, can you kind of start us there? Like, what is anxiety and why do we need to pay attention to it?

Bette Alkazian (01:58):

Great question, it's an emotion. It is a feeling. It is a, an autonomic nervous system response that is natural, that is built into our bodies

Hillary Wilkinson (02:20):

Back us up just a little bit and remind us what the autonomic nervous system is?

Bette Alkazian (02:24):

The autonomic nervous system, is run by our reptilian brain. And it's the automatic stuff that we don't have to think about our heartbeat, our blood pressure, our respiration, all the things that our body does naturally without us having to intentionally think about it. It it's built into our system to save ourselves, right? If you're being chased, then you need to run, save yourself. And if, you know, if there's danger, then we get into fight or flight response or freeze or faint response for some people. But all of those things are good, healthy ways that we survive terrifying or dangerous situations. So some people are hard wired to actually think that they're in danger when they are not. And that is the epidemic that I think you're talking about. Those of us experience anxiety, it is hereditary. So it is very unlikely to happen in a vacuum, but it also can happen as a result of trauma as a result of experience in life. That then makes us afraid of experiencing that thing again,

Hillary Wilkinson (03:57):

Because we feel like we're in a place that's endangering our lives actually ....it hits that same spot.

Bette Alkazian (04:06):

Exactly. And our internal instinct is to survive.

Hillary Wilkinson (04:11):

Sure. And it kind of makes sense that, as the human species moves along, that we're becoming more and more anxious because it was only those people that were anxious enough to recognize something’s strange here I need to get out of here and survive. And then those people, then you talk about it having this genetic component. I've never thought about that.

Bette Alkazian (04:38):

For sure. Oh my gosh. I, and I always, when I'm doing an intake with a family and I'm hearing about an anxious child, I'm like, okay, which one of the parents is anxious and often it's both.

Hillary Wilkinson (04:53):

Oh, that is interesting. I wasn't aware of this strong genetic component to it.

Bette Alkazian (05:00):

For sure.

Hillary Wilkinson (05:01):

So as with anything in parenting, it seems like the first step in successfully managing this parenting relationship starts with really taking a deep dive into yourself.

Bette Alkazian (05:12):

Absolutely. To me, that is the place to start and to model for our kids, not being afraid of looking in the mirror .

Hillary Wilkinson (05:27):

So we are about to head into our first school year following a full year of pandemic and homeschooling and many families are experiencing anxiety about returning to school in person. And I'm getting a lot of questions about this at Healthy Screen Habits. So this is what I want to talk about next, but first we need take a short break.

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Hillary Wilkinson (06:16):

I'm speaking with Betty Alkazin L M F T and parenting coach, as well as the mom of three amazing daughters and a wife of 36 years to her husband, Jeff. I mentioned that because I love - Betty, how you bring such a relate-ability on how you talk about things like relationship and anxiety and parenting concerns.

Hillary Wilkinson (06:44):

You just come from this very real boots on the ground type approach. And I always appreciate that. And so moving away from that during the pandemic, we were all reliant on our, on kind of our online lifelines through school and work, et cetera, which has its own points of concern. But now our kids are headed back to school. And as I talked about before the break, I'm hearing many parents voicing concern about their own as well as their child's level of anxiety and going back to school in person on campus. So I'm looking and I, I am, I, you know, when I say I'm hearing parents believe me, I'm in that line. So I do not get hall pass. And I'm just wondering I'm, this is my way of asking. Do you have any advice to give a parent who's anxious or whose child is anxious about returning to school?

Bette Alkazian (07:51):

Absolutely. I'm hearing this too, so,uh you're not alone. I think first of all, it's really important to understand what we've been through, right? This whole pandemic this year and a half, that we have just been through and it's not over, you know, as the news changes every day. And, there's a whole, I'm seeing an up, you know, as the uptick in cases happens, there is an uptick in anxiety that I'm hearing.

Hillary Wilkinson (08:25):

Right. Because it feels familiar now and we're like, oh no, not again. Not again, not again.

Bette Alkazian (08:29):

Yeah.

That's exactly right. We're like, oh, talk about anxiety, right? It's that trauma response. Oh no. Don't make us go back to where we were. That was terrible. Right? And so people are having that. No, no, no, no. Don't let that happen feeling. And so so we have to remember to look at it in the big picture. It's not just about today. It's not just about going back to school. It's about what kids have been through. Of course what we've been through. But I say kids in particular because kids have developing brains, right? We are we're, our brains are already hardened. And I mean, not that we can't change them, but what we call the neuro-plasticity of a developing brain, and especially teens I've got to, you know, mention that in particular, the teen brain is especially vulnerable because it is developing rapidly. We call teens "super learners" because their brains are just absorbing at unbelievable speeds. And we've taken them out of their typical learning environment for some kids. For those who were out of school literally for a year over a year I am very concerned about developmentally what they didn't get and the, what the longterm effects of that will be right.

Hillary Wilkinson (10:06):

And when you're talking developmentally, you're not focused on the academics. You're talking about like social benchmark type developments, right?

Bette Alkazian (10:14):

Yes. Child development, what we need that the, all the brain synapse connections that we expect to happen because of all the things that were built into life before. And we knew that that worked because we would measure those benchmarks of development and we don't have any idea what the long-term effects are going to be of taking away all those built-ins that were helping our kids' brains develop properly and appropriately and on time and all of that stuff that we would expect in child development. So keep that in mind when you're considering how to help your child and yourself launch into this new school year. So when I say that, I mean, have patience, have compassion for what they've been through. They have been through a trauma. We have been through a trauma. There have also been some beautiful silver linings that are, you know, perhaps will compensate for some of the losses.

Bette Alkazian (11:23):

And so that's a good thing too. Not all kids were in a great situation during this year and they may have had greater trauma when we talk about trauma, we talked about little T trauma and big T trauma. So for most of us, this pandemic was probably a little T trauma because most of us were safe and we still had our homes and we still had food on the table. And we still had all the things that kept us alive and safe. But for some, for some kids, it was more of a big T trauma because perhaps they were home in unsafe surroundings full-time and didn't have that escape and safety of school. So be patient with your kids know that also there are different kinds of kids. We have introverted kids who stinking loved this pandemic because they didn't have to deal with the social anxiety of being at school. And a lot of the complexity that makes being at school harder for some kids.

Hillary Wilkinson (12:44):

Right? Yeah. Navigating relationships and dealing with different, you know, managerial styles of teachers face to face.

Bette Alkazian (12:53):

Exactly. And, you know, and the social hierarchies, right. They could tune out, they could go off of social media if they wanted to, and just be like, I'm home. I'm good. But there were lots of kids who are not that way and were starved and became quite anxious and depressed, not getting those needs met and some of the introvert kids also didn't get those needs met. So have patience and know that they will adapt. Kids are also resilient. Kids are also quick to adapt typically, if they're not adapting quickly, then it might be something that needs to be looked at and evaluated. But I think what you'll find is once kids are back in school and they're having a normal school year for the most part, hopefully then I think things will smooth out.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:53):

Okay. So do you have any recommendations for like, I, I know people who say like in, you know, spring semester of last year, they got to school and the child would not get out of the car. Like you said, this anxiety they're afraid for their life and everything on the news is telling them yes, you need to be afraid for your life. And yeah. And I mean, we all need to be very aware of what is happening right now. So I'm just wondering if you have any, like, do you recommend like scaffolding this school approach? I totally understand and want to approach everything with the compassion based style that you're talking about. I'm just wondering sometimes when I'm in that very stressful moment, it helps me. If I have like a script to work off of, do you have any, any words you could help feed those of us who may be feeling kind of tongue tied in the moment?

Bette Alkazian (15:20):

How, how do I say this? I think it's really important to be aware for you and perhaps other parents who are looking not only for a script or something to do that, that may be your anxiety speaking.  Sure.  About, right? Because when we're anxious, the more we can control a situation, the better we feel about it. And so, so the better you can control your anxiety and sorry, I didn't mean to like call you out on your own podcast, but the more parents can be aware of how their anxiety is affecting them and, and control it the best possible way. Then the better they're going to be able to help their kids manage their anxiety. Because if you're anxious and out of control and like, okay, we need to go do this, come on, let's go to school. And we're going to walk through your classes and we're going to do this and that's to alleviate your anxiety that may not at all be your child's needs.

Hillary Wilkinson (16:17):

You're absolutely right. Yeah. It's going to... And they're going to vibe it. They're going to translate it though. Yeah, you're right...OK.

Bette Alkazian (16:25):

So if you can own your piece and say, look, I'm feeling kind of anxious about the beginning of school. And I'm thinking that I feel like I want to do this for you. Okay. And that just own yours, okay. Own your part and ask, “how can I be of best support to you?” To your child, if they may need something very different from you. And then if you aren't getting the things that you need, then what do you need to do to manage your anxiety? Right. If you need to go for a walk, you need to go for a run. You need to get to, to the gym, you need to meditate you know, sit with a box of rocks on your lap to ground yourself, whatever that looks like for you, so that you can be present and have your higher order thinking online, right? The more anxious we are, we lose that higher order thinking. So if you can keep your anxiety at a manageable level, then you're going to be able to be present for your child. And to say, "You seem anxious. How can I support you right now?"

Hillary Wilkinson (17:36):

Okay. But when I'm feeling anxious, I need to say, I'm feeling anxious about this. This is, this will help me if we do that …Okay. Very good points. Thanks. Yeah. Okay.

Bette Alkazian (18:29):

It's hard to hear. It's hard.

Hillary Wilkinson (18:32):

But speaking, like as trying to get ourselves grounded and ourselves, you know, in, in the correct Headspace, a big concern that I know is people are having difficulty finding therapists or counselors who even have, I mean, we, so many people are trying to seek help. Do you have tips on how to, how to get access to a therapist? Are there websites you recommend or apps or anything that we could help our audience with?

Bette Alkazian (19:05):

Yes, um and I do beg for people's perseverance because it is very hard. I, it is frustrating for me to tell people I have no space in my practice right now. And then I refer to my friends and they say they have no space in their practice. And that is hard and frustrating. And  people come back to me and say, your friends didn't have any space either. What do I do? So  I refer people to Psychologytoday.com.

Hillary Wilkinson (19:51):

Okay. I'll link that in the show notes.

Bette Alkazian (19:57):

You click on therapists or find a therapist, something like that, you can look by zip code. You can look by area of specialization. But it may take several phone calls, so don't give up.

Hillary Wilkinson (20:29):

Right, right. And I know that's sometimes the hardest thing is that perseverance, when you're feeling pushed to a point of, “I need help”. And it's just it's anyways. So thank you for that. Tip psychology.com

Bette Alkazian (20:45):

Psychology Today dot com

Hillary Wilkinson (20:49):

Psychology Today. Dot com.

Bette Alkazian (20:50):

Yeah. It's a magazine psychology today is it it's their website. There's some great articles on there. I'm sure there are some great articles about helping kids through the pandemic and things like that. It's a great resource actually.

Hillary Wilkinson (21:07):

Okay. Super. So that kind of brings us around to getting more back on the screen side of things and going back to the area of anxiety, I just, I'm just wondering in your practice and the hundreds of families that you've engaged with, have you seen a correlation between excessive screen time use and anxiety?

Bette Alkazian (21:34):

Oh my gosh. Yes. If anybody says, no, I, I have very big question marks for them. So I'm not a hundred percent sure why to be perfectly honest. I mean, there are, I'm sure you could answer some of these questions better than I, but what I see is lots of anxiety when kids are asked to turn off, if they're video gaming there is this need, push, motivation to reach next levels, to not let down their team, if they're gaming online with other friends or other people. So there is this tremendous anxiety and that's built into the game, right? To keep people coming back. And we do have to educate our kids about the psychology behind game development. We also have to, um, thinking about like social media for our teens and young teens, they really need to be watching.

Bette Alkazian (22:43):

We need, we, as parents need to be watching what our kids are exposed to, what they're seeing. They are seeing a very skewed view of the world, but it can cause a tremendous anxiety to feel  as though they weren't included in something. If they see their friends on social media or they're not good enough thin enough, pretty enough, enough in any way, because they're comparing themselves to a false image and we have to educate our kids about those false images. And I often tell parents the story of the boy I liked in high school and how I defined myself by the fact that he didn't like me back. And so I decided I just, wasn't those one of those likable girls and 35 years later, fast forward, he friended me on Facebook and I messaged him and, you know, first totally stalked him because, and, and you know, I wasn't looking to start anything I promise, but I just messaged him and said, "Hey, thanks for friending me. You have a beautiful family. I had such a crush on you in high school." And he said, "I know, I had a crush on you too, but girls scared me. I just wanted to play basketball."

Hillary Wilkinson (24:05):

Oh, and here you're identification of self was....

Bette Alkazian (24:11):

That's. Right. And this is what our teams do. I actually, I thought about it for two days and I wrote him back and I said, "Thank you. I work with families with teens. And I defined myself based on what I thought you thought of me. And by you telling me that today helps me teach families to educate their kids that what they think they're reading in their friend's eyes, messages, texts, you know, all the sub text assumptions that are being made are wrong." They are wrong. And that's why we need to keep our kids turned toward their families. And to understand that developmentally, they turn toward their friends for feedback and for values and for all sorts of things. So we need to keep them in the fold enough that they're also getting values and feedback from us.

Hillary Wilkinson (25:14):

Very good. Yeah. Maintaining some screen-free times too, so that we just circle, circle the wagons back around the family touch point with our values touch point with what's important to, to our family.

Bette Alkazian (25:29):

Yeah. So especially yet younger brains, even preteen, those kids are unable to regulate themselves on screens. They would be on for eight hours a day or 10 hours a day if we let them. And so we have to teach them moderation and balance, right? Oh, you've been on screens for half an hour. I think that's enough time. Let's give your brain and your eyes and your body a break. Let's go do something where we're moving our bodies and active and okay. We've been outside. We've been playing and active then. Okay. Sit down and have some quiet time on your screen for a little bit. It's a balancing thing. Cause we want our kids to crave balance in life so that their brain isn't constantly seeking those you know, chemicals and, you know, endorphins or serotonin or whatever it is that's being released in their brain. We don't want them to crave that all the time. We want them to crave balance. So we have to teach them the habit of balance.

Hillary Wilkinson (28:02):

I love that work in because your your organization is actually called “Balanced Parenting”. And now it's all coming clear to me. Okay. We're gonna take a short break. And when I come back, I'm going to ask Betty for her healthy screen habit. 

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Hillary Wilkinson (28:22):

We are back, I'm talking with Betty Alkazian, a parenting expert. Who's helping parents to grow their child's coping skills, raise children with values and be as healthy as possible, which is why I'm going to ask her now for a Healthy Screen Habit, which is a tip or takeaway that our listeners can put into practice in their own home. So we just touched a lot on balance and that was excellent. Do you have any other tips for us? I feel like this whole episode could be one giant tip, but do you have, do you have one for us?

Bette Alkazian (29:00):

Well, my favorite parenting tool is compassion. I tell parents all the time, if you don't know what to do in any moment, just go straight to a place of compassion and know that whatever your child is struggling with is difficult. So when you are asking them to have that balance and to go off their screens and to take a break from social media and to get, to not talk to their friends and to come engage with actual human, three-dimensional people that, that is hard for them. There is an anxiety about "leaving the quad," so to speak and not knowing what their friends are saying and doing when they're not watching.

Hillary Wilkinson (29:45):

Right. That fear of missing out.

Bette Alkazian (29:47):

The fear of missing out. Believe me, I, I have that too. So I get it. So when we can have compassion for what our kids are going through and help them to feel safe, seen, and soothed, which are the three S's for a secure attachment in attachment theory. And they know that we get it, like they just need to know. I see you. I know it's really hard to pull yourself away and it's hard for you to know the impact of what these screens are doing to your brain and your nervous system and your body. So you need parents to help you find that balance and have compassion for when you say no, or you say stop and how hard that is for them and let them know that you get it.

Hillary Wilkinson (30:40):

It's a beautiful way to connect, but just come from that place of understanding and like you, your word, compassion of understanding how difficult the screens are, because like you said, they're due to the persuasive design. They are not meant to be turned off. They are not designed to be something you want to put down. So

Bette Alkazian (31:07):

Exactly. And you, you using the word connection is the most important piece. Thank you for saying that because our kids just need to feel connected to us and they're much more likely to hear us and to be open to us saying, okay, enough, let's, let's do something different now if they're feeling connected to us. So, right. Beautiful. Thank you.

Hillary Wilkinson (31:32):

So, oh no, thank you. So Betty, if people would like to learn more about Balanced Parenting, and you what's the best place for them to look?

Bette Alkazian (31:44):

I have a website balanced parenting.com. I also have a page on Facebook called balanced parenting and I'm on Instagram, Betty, B E T T e.parenting.guru, which I don't call myself a guru. Don't want you to think that, that I named myself that, somebody else named that.

Hillary Wilkinson (32:06):

I would second it for the record, but okay.

Bette Alkazian (32:09):

Thank you. And anxious parenting is also my account on Instagram.

Hillary Wilkinson (32:13):

Okay. Well, wonderful. Thank you so much for being here.

Bette Alkazian (32:17):

Thank you for inviting me so good to see you.