Healthy Screen Habits Takeaway

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Mindful With Media: website

Hillary Wilkinson (01:03):

This season I'm focusing on folks who are getting things done. Healthy Screen Habits, Heroes! So far we've talked to heroes who are making a difference globally, like Frances Haugen, the Facebook whistleblower nationally, like Emma Lemke, who's pushing legislation and heroes who are making a difference in the home, working to keep families safe, healthy, and tech balanced. Today I'm talking to a young mom who is doing just that. She's the founder of Mindful With Media, an organization that aims to help young moms keep their own screen time in check. She also hosts a podcast with the same name, Mindful With Media, and does all of these things while being a mom to two littles herself. Welcome to Healthy Screen Habits. Alex Fales!

Alex Fales (02:10):

Thank you so much. I am flattered to be on this podcast, <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (02:16):

Oh, I'm thrilled you're here. Alex, like I mentioned, this season, the theme is on Healthy Screen Habits heroes, and I think you fit this category,

Alex Fales (02:40):

<laugh>. Oh, thank you, <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (02:42):

No, it's true. Your Instagram feed and website, both under that same name, Mindful With Media, if people wanna follow you, are kind of like these treasure troves of digital wellness tips. You help so many people with your super practical approach and your ability to take big ideas and distill 'em down and crystallize them into these little nuggets. And I just, I'm so appreciative of what you're doing, so, but I'm wondering if you could share, like, what, what made you so awesome? What brought you to this path of being mindful with media and wanting to share it with others?

Alex Fales (03:29):

I, well, I guess I just will say that I am still on this process of trying to be mindful with media, but in a nutshell, I got a smartphone when I was a junior in high school, and I spent a lot of time mindlessly scrolling, especially when I left for college. And all of a sudden I was on my own managing my own screen use. I went to college. I was spending a lot of time on my phone that I, it just didn't feel right, right? Like, I was just kind of feeling blah after that. And I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and that was 18 months long. And so during that time, I didn't have a smartphone and I didn't have social media, and it was awesome. And I, I was really excited to come home after I finished that mission and start being more intentional with the way I used my phone.

Alex Fales (04:34):

But pretty quickly after I got home and I had a smartphone again, I fell back into old habits of spending more time on my phone than I wanted to. Like, I was in college again, and so I would need like a brain break for my schoolwork. And so I'd go on Instagram, and then it was way longer than I really wanted to, or I'd be trying to fall asleep at night, and I'm dealing with all these social things, and all of a sudden I'm scrolling way longer than I want to. And I, I wished I was sleeping, you know, especially when my alarm went off the next morning. And so I just felt like I was a really disciplined person. I ran cross country in high school. I got really good grades, but I could not figure out how to not let my phone control me kind of thing.

Alex Fales (05:23):

And so I got to the point where I was ready to delete social media, and I even seriously considered getting rid of my smartphone and just having a dumb phone <laugh> mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And, uh, kind of around this time when this was all happening, I got a job, uh, teaching missionary. So like, I had served a mission for our, for the church that I belong to. Um, I was helping missionaries use social media to teach people about Jesus Christ. And this was during Covid, so these missionaries couldn't teach the way they normally to normally did, and instead they really needed to use social media. And I thought that my job would be to mostly help with these, help these missionaries with social media marketing. But I ended up spending a good chunk of the time helping them to set up appropriate phone boundaries and not be so distracted on social media and focus on their purpose as missionaries.

Alex Fales (06:28):

And as I was teaching them, I realized that I needed this just as much, if not more than they did. I, I felt like I needed to develop better phone habits. And so I, during that time felt like for me personally, and I, I don't think this is the right thing for everyone, but for me personally, I felt like the right thing was to keep my social media, keep my smartphone, and figure out how to use it intentionally and figure out how to create and maintain, which is the hard part, healthy phone boundaries. And so that's why I started this, and that's kind of my journey.

Hillary Wilkinson (07:13):

So you were already on this path even before you became a mom?

Alex Fales (07:18):

Actually, that's interesting because I was very hesitant to start Mindful With Media  when I had my son, because I did not feel confident in being able to be mindful with media. And I felt like, I don't know what to share because I'm just figuring this out. I'm, I'm trying to figure this out. But it wasn't until after I started it, and, and honestly, like I say, I'm still figuring it out. It's still this process and journey. I don't have all of the answers, but I've, I've learned a lot of things as I've started sharing this journey, I guess. 

Hillary Wilkinson (08:18):

Sure.

And what, like, now that you are kind of in this realm of, I'm, I'm gonna call it young parent or new parents, let's say that like new parents, what do you, in just your dealings with, what do you find that new parents or parents of littles are struggling with the most?

Alex Fales (08:39):

Absolutely. I think that was something that I didn't expect after my son was born, so I was home with him. And so I went from being in school and working and having all of these mentally stimulating and social interactions. And then suddenly I was at home changing diapers, so bored, so lonely. And my phone was a really easy escape. It was this, I could go on social media and have this, I was craving connection. So I'd go on social media and have a little bit of connection, but not, it didn't really satisfy that new need for connection. And I was really bored. And so I would turn to social media and it would entertain me for a little bit, but did, it didn't really fulfill that need to have something that was engaging and stimulating. So I think that's a common, um, challenge among Moms of littles or parents of littles is just craving connection and stimulation.

Hillary Wilkinson (09:47):

Yeah. And, and you're, you're overwhelmed, and, you know, as anyone who's had a baby or who has lived in a house with young children knows like, you know, you're, you're typically pretty tired too, like sleep patterns or, and I think any time when those things kind of combine, it kind of gets you set for that cycle. What at healthy screen habits, we call it the cycle of vulnerability, where it sets you up for like the, somehow emotions get amplified when you're in that, that mindset. So you have those big emotions and trying to regulate them, you turn to something that's fast and easy, which I mean, fill in the blank with what that is.

Hillary Wilkinson (10:52):

But most often right now, it's our device, right. And so Exactly. You end up being on the device to try and get a quick fix for that problem. But then what happens is, like you said, you find yourself, you're like, wait a minute, what, how, how has that 20 minutes gone by <laugh>? You know? And so instead of dealing with the thing that sets you up for it, you're actually now kind of more behind. So it, it kinda locks you into this loop of, of overuse, you know, tech overuse leading to more overwhelm, which leads to more decision to try and try and regulate, which leads to more tech use. It's that whole thing, so

Alex Fales (11:37):

Exactly. Yeah. That cycle of vulnerability. Yeah. Like you, you talk about.

Hillary Wilkinson (11:42):

Yeah. Yeah. So next we're gonna get down to what Alex does best, which is practical guided help with managing our own tech use. But first we have to take a break.

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Hillary Wilkinson:

I'm speaking with Alex Fales, a graduate of BYU and Committed Runner. So committed in fact that sometimes she even posts while running in the snow, which to me sounds <laugh>, undoable!!

Hillary Wilkinson (12:40):

<laugh>. She loves doing anything that involves being outside and active and is the founder of Mindful with Media. So at Healthy Screen Habits, we have five core habits that we recommend people put in place to help grow their own healthy boundaries surrounding intentional tech use. And the first of our core habits is to train yourself to ask, “What's my purpose?” when picking up your device? And I feel like this holds hands directly with one of the first things that you address, Alex, you have a different term that you use though. I've heard you say “define your why.” And so I feel like our ask like, “what's my purpose?” And you're like, “define your why”.                                       I feel like those hold hands and can you talk about, uh, but, but that's my interpretation. So I clearly, I might just be placing my own. No,

Alex Fales (13:38):

Absolutely.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:39):

I my own my

Alex Fales (13:39):

Own. I totally agree. Yeah. It's just a different way to phrase it. Yes.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:43):

Yeah. Can you talk about like, the importance of that and what does it mean?

Alex Fales (13:47):

Absolutely. So I think with, when I talk about, yeah, defining your why, I mean, getting clear on why you care about developing healthy tech habits.  Even before you're in that moment of using your device. And there's a lot of different reasons that we want to be more intentional with our screens. Is it because you want to feel more calm and peaceful? Is it because you want to be more present with your kids? Is it because you are concerned about your kids' development? Or you want your kids to develop a healthy relationship with screens? Or you wanna be more connected with your spouse, right? You probably have a lot of reasons why you want to be more intentional with your screen time, but if you can really narrow it down to one or two reasons that are your biggest motivators, then one, it will help you know, what changes you wanna make and what, I guess kind of what to start with in changing your, your tech habits. And then second, it will help you to keep going when it gets hard. Because it's easy to say when you're in a good moment, I'm gonna sleep with my phone outside my bedroom. But then when you're going to bed and you're kind of feeling off, it's really easy to pull your phone right back into your bedroom. So if you have a really strong motivation and a strong why, like I call it, then that can help you too, stay motivated when it gets hard.

Hillary Wilkinson (15:40):

Yeah. Kind of like that core belief.

Alex Fales (15:43):

Exactly

Hillary Wilkinson (15:44):

You're like “This I don't vary from”, you know? Yeah. So I, I really feel like that whole, like defining your why really sets intention behind making sure why your screens are serving you, like serving your needs rather than vice versa. And you offer a free course on your website that is six steps to avoid wasting time on your phone, which I think is, I mean, probably my number one problem <laugh> my number one challenge, I should say <laugh>.

Alex Fales (16:19):

Yeah. I like that <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (16:20):

So these steps, I, I don't wanna go over all of them 'cause I really, I encourage people to go onto your website and sign up for it. And I just think you'll find all these little, like I said, treasure trove of things that Alex offers. But these step one of these steps includes examining your triggers and like how do you see this all fitting together?

Alex Fales (16:45):

Often we turn to our phones because we are avoiding an uncomfortable emotion, even without realizing it. Like, you might not even know that you're experiencing something uncomfortable because it's become such a habit to turn to your phone. So if you can take a step back and realize what you're feeling right before you open your phone, whether you're bored or overwhelmed or lonely or tired or worried or embarrassed, it could be any sort of feeling, then you can treat the real problem instead of just setting up like, I guess boundaries around your phone use. You can get to the root of it, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Mm-hmm.

Hillary Wilkinson (17:38):

<affirmative>. And do you have, um, do you have like tips? I, I saw also on your website, <laugh>, you also have other tips like what to do instead of turning to your phone and like, do you have any of those you could share?

Alex Fales (17:56):

Absolutely.  Once you realize like what emotion you're avoiding, then you'll know how to treat the real problem. But just some ideas of things that you can do are, like if you're feeling lonely, call a friend or go outside. Or if you're feeling overwhelmed by a project, you can break it down into really, really small tasks and just start with the one thing. Or do a jumping jack, right in your journal of how you're feeling. Text someone and tell them what you're feeling. Take a deep breath, make eye contact with your kids, admire your hands. Just that simple act of like, it's like a mindfulness practice, right? Of just pulling you back in the moment. Yeah. Just saying what you're feeling out loud is so powerful. Like, I, I think if we, if you can recognize that you're having the impulse to open social media and you don't actually want to go on social media or open your phone for whatever reason that is uhhuh, <affirmative>, uhhuh, <affirmative>. There is so much power in that. I think people don't realize that, just acknowledging that is so powerful Yeah. In the moment.

Hillary Wilkinson (19:12):

I tend to find that with myself and, and friends. I feel like social media is where like my peer group struggles the most in disengaging. And does that, does that hold up? I'm in a different peer group than you. Most of my mom friends are, you know, have kids that are in high school or going off to college or something like that. Like how, how are the young moms doing? Is that your experience as well? Or not so much?

Alex Fales (19:47):

100%. Yeah. Social media is where we escape, I think. Yeah. And, and I think especially for, for my age group, so my oldest is two, and then I have an eight month old daughter, but I don't get a lot of like, feedback from them. Right? And so when I want a break from them, it's really easy to turn to my phone to escape my life here, right. To, to seek the, the friendships online because my friends are on social media. Right? <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (20:21):

Right, right. And like you said, to get a little bit of that connection that you're kinda missing.

Alex Fales (20:28):

Exactly. Yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson:

So Alex, one of the things that I love about your website is like I talk about how you, how you, uh, distill big ideas down into these little nuggets. And I really like your focus on not necessarily like setting up screen management for kids necessarily, uh, I mean, and, uh, not necessarily setting up screen management as far as like screen time with the kids, but helping moms and parents define their own limits with screen time and having your screen serve you or your device serve you. Do you have any tips that you could pass along in that regard?

Alex Fales (22:53):

Yes. It's actually really interesting you talk about that point of setting up screen limits for our kids versus screen limits for yourself, because I am fascinated by how screens impact kids. And I do a lot of research about that, but the more that I've researched screens, I've learned that there's this important piece of the picture that I don't think is talked about enough. And it's how our screen time as parents impacts our kids and their development. So some things that we can do to make it easier for ourselves to not waste so much time on our screens and to use our screens in a way that we really want to. And so that our screens serve us. Uh, one, you can set up focus modes on your phone. So this is where I have an iPhone, but you can set up like sleep or work or time with my kids or dinner time, and then you can set up who's able to call you, who's able to text you what apps are allowed.

Alex Fales (23:58):

You can get really detailed in there on how you use those focus modes. So I think those are an awesome tool. Another thing is just uninstalling unnecessary apps. I think our phones can get really cluttered and that actually makes it harder for us to be intentional with how we use our phone. Um, another thing is to rearrange the apps on your phone. So for me, I want to make it as easy as possible to use apps that help me be my best self. So I make like big widgets and put 'em on my home screen for things like audio books or podcasts or the Kindle app. Just make it really easy to use apps that help me be better and then move apps that are more distracting for me. That's Instagram to, like, you can just move them completely off of your home screen.

Alex Fales (24:46):

Um, another thing you can do is change the notification settings for each app. So apps and your phone, they want all your attention, right? Every time you get a new app, can we notify you all day, every day? Like they always ask you that, right? And so just being really intentional about who and what is so important that they're allowed to interrupt your life. Like, I think just getting more intentional about those notifications and what's allowed, uh, cleaning up your social media feeds by unfollowing and muting people that aren't really serving and helping you. This next tip I'm gonna share has been a game changer for me. Instead of swiping through to find an app on your phone, just use the search feature. And to make this most effective, you need to turn off the setting that allows suggested apps when you're searching for an app. Because if you don't turn that off, it's gonna just suggest your most used wasted time apps, <laugh>. But that can be really helpful is to, you know, 'cause sometimes you like go to, I'll like, go to put in something I need from the grocery store, and next thing I know I'm on Instagram, I'm like, “How did I even get there?” Like, <laugh> what, and so that can be helpful is just searching for apps instead.

Hillary Wilkinson (26:04):

I totally relate to that. And that is something that actually my, uh, my teenage daughter like taught me to do as well. And it has, it has been, like you said, it has been a game changer. I, I'm such a Luddite, I am, uh, embarrassed to admit I didn't even know I could do that. So <laugh> I was like, I was like, “How are you doing this?!” <laugh>? So, yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it, it it is time definitely to kind of flip the funnel on having, like, you know, right now we're kind of taking all of the information in at us and it's like we need to distill down the information that we only to have it be only the part that we want, you know,

Alex Fales (26:48):

Exactly. Because screens are awesome. And that's one of my big things is like, I don't wanna miss out on all of the good that comes from screens. I mean this connection, this, you know, interview is possible because we found each other through Instagram and then now we're having this awesome conversation and I don't wanna lose that. Um, but you have to be really intentional to cut out all of that negative.

Hillary Wilkinson (27:13):

I agree. And when we come back, I'm going to ask Alex for her healthy screen habit. 

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Hillary Wilkinson:

I'm talking with Alex Fales, founder of Mindful With Media, an organization that helps young moms keep their own screen time in check so they can live a present intentional and more fulfilling life. Alex, on every episode of the Healthy Screen Habits podcast, I ask each guest for a healthy screen habit. And this is a tip or takeaway that our listeners can put nearly into immediate practice in their own home. I feel like you've given us a ton already, but I'm gonna be greedy and ask, do you have one more <laugh>?

Alex Fales (28:22):

Oh, I always have one more <laugh>. Um, but my healthy screen habit that I want to share is to hide, like counts on your social media feeds. So this is where, like under a post on Instagram or on Facebook, it will say, Alex Fales and 271 other people like this post. And you can actually hide those so you, you don't see how many people like posts. And I was convinced before I did this that I didn't really notice the number of likes, but after I hid the, like counts on my social media feeds, I was shocked at the difference it made. Since then, I focused way more on the person and the content that's shared, and I had no idea how much I was judging others by how much, how many posts, how many likes their posts got. And I had no idea how much I was judging myself by how many likes my posts got. And so hiding them is actually less intuitive than you might think. So feel free to reach out to me if you need help figuring out how to hide them, but it's been a game changer for me. Yeah,

Hillary Wilkinson (29:31):

Yeah. Or that's where, you know, YouTube University can, can help as well. Yeah. So 

Alex Fales (29:36):

We love Google, we loveYouTube <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (29:37):

Yes. Yes. As always, you can find a complete transcript of this show and a link to Mindful With Media by going to healthy screen habits.org. Click the podcast button and scroll down to find this episode. Alex, thank you so much for sharing your experiences, your thoughts, and all that you're doing to create more healthy screen habits heroes like yourself.

Alex Fales (30:05):

Thank you so much. It's been such a treat for me to talk with you today.