S6 Episode 1: The Quiet Book Queen Talks Tech // Kailan Carr, M Ed

Healthy Screen Habits Takeaway

Resources

For More Info:

https://quietbookqueen.com

Show Transcript

Hillary Wilkinson (00:02):

I am a huge fan of whimsy, kids, and imaginative play, and my guest today ticks all those boxes. She captures it all within this framework of fun partnered with developmental research. I first found  the Quiet Book Queen on Instagram, and was immediately transported back to this core memory of mine, of this cloth book that was handmade for my sister and I with buttons and zippers and laces to tie. And I loved that book. I remember feeling like such a big kid when I could complete the tasks on the page. And it's one of those things that's so deep within me, I feel like I can almost smell the pages. Kailan Carr is the brilliance behind the Quiet Book Queen and Crafts In Between her real life approach to parenting littles and seriously adorable ideas, products and activities are absolutely captivating. With this season's focus on tech and the littles. I wanted her to share what she finds important about real life play, and also to ask if in her opinion screens are ever okay with Littles. Welcome to the Healthy Screen Habits podcast, Kailan Carr, The Quiet Book Queen!

Kailan Carr (01:27):

Thank you, Hillary. I'm so excited to be here.

Hillary Wilkinson (01:31):

Before we get too deep in the woods here, I recognize not everyone is going to remember  or have had experience with quiet books. So could you share what, what is a quiet book and what kind of inspired you to create this space?

Kailan Carr (01:50):

I loved your story because that is exactly what happened to me too. I had a quiet book as a child. It was a core memory and then we couldn't find it. Um, we had no idea where it went as an adult. And then I just had kids and I knew from the beginning before I was even having a family that I wanted to limit screen time. And I like to say my kids were born about the same time as the iPad. It was maybe a year or two old when they were growing up in, in the toddler years,  it was new and exciting and this really cool thing, and the kids love it. Um, but I just didn't like their behavior after they would use it. And my mom instinct was like, Eh, I just, I don't know about this.

Kailan Carr (02:42):

So I ended up putting it in a drawer and I wanted to find other alternative activities.I definitely knew when we went out and about, I didn't wanna rely on my phone to entertain them. I wanted them to learn how to entertain themselves and just be busy without the screen. And so the quiet book was my go to. It was my gold when my kids were little. And they are a lot of work though, to make, like you said, there's a lot of pages with zippers and buttons and buckles and imaginative play like a telephone and like build a sandwich. And I ended up starting my first, uh, swap group with a bunch of friends and I said, Hey, I wanna make this, I remember this as a kid, but I don't wanna make the whole thing like, it's a lot of work.

Kailan Carr (03:32):

Does anyone wanna join me and like, make one page and then we will swap and put our books together. And I actually had about 20 people who were like, Yeah, let's do it <laugh>. And so that's kind of how my first swap and my first quiet book was born.

Hillary Wilkinson (04:54):

So knowing that you're about screen free play, do you, I, I'm just kinda like jumping right in here at you 

do you ever find that there is ever an okay time for screens with little guys?

Kailan Carr (05:34):

You have to think of the big picture. Like what is your goal and your purpose in handing over that screen? You know, is the benefits in that moment, are they going to outweigh, you know, the, the kind of bad things that happen when it comes to too much screen time when it comes to behavior. And if you're always becoming reliant on using them to entertain your child, um, does your child know how to play on their own and entertain themselves? So that sort of thing. For me personally, found that it was so much easier with toddlers and preschoolers to not have them as an option because I didn't wanna deal with that fight and that behavior. And it's, it's actually like an investment that you have as you're raising kids.

Kailan Carr (06:33):

You invest in them in the early years, it is a lot more work to, to be screen free- screens are an easy way, right? It's, it's there, it's present all the time and it, the kids love them. But when you look at it now, my kids are eight and 10 years old and I feel like that investment has paid off so much because my kids love to read. They will entertain themselves, can find whatever they want to do during the day when they get home from school and they can, you know, figure out things to do. They'll talk to people and socialize out and about. And I think it definitely was a good choice for us. But every family is different and you have to decide what works for you and how screens, affect your child's behavior.

Hillary Wilkinson (07:22):

Right. I agree. Yeah. It's that it's that intentional use rather than it just being a go to. I like what you're, what you were saying as far as like, um, kind of almost training your kids for being able to be self entertaining and being, engaged with print, et cetera. So why do you think that like, your quiet books and storyboards and these kind of open ended play things are so compelling to preschoolers?

Kailan Carr (07:57):

Kids have the best imaginations and they're curious. So they like to explore and tinker and play with things. And quiet books just allow that. Like, there's pages after pages of just different activities that they can manipulate and then open ended play things like good old fashion toys, boxes. Like it doesn't have to be a toy, you know, they have no end in sight. Like the, the toy is not telling the child what to do. The toy is allowing the child, it's a tool and the child is able to play with it however they want. So whether that's, you know, magnetic blocks or wooden blocks, they can build whatever they like. Baby dolls and dinosaurs, they take it wherever. 

Hillary Wilkinson (09:07):

So beyond a mom and a former teacher, you also hold a master's in literacy and reading and I'm, I'm bringing the credentials out because I think when it comes to understanding things like developmental windows, it's um, it's really important to know that you are a credentialed expert in this realm. You are not just some lady who had a cute idea. You know, so many of us get really swept up into this academic fervor of trying to make sure our kids have all the tools they need for school success and are early readers and know site words, et cetera. But I'm interested to hear what you think. A lot of these tools that we think we're investing in for our kids come in the form of educational apps or talking toys or even like these singing magnets that teach letters. There's no end to things that make noise anymore, it seems like. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So I guess I'm asking, as a reading expert, do you find that these things work?

Kailan Carr (10:12):

Well- They work, but it's basic memorization skills, which is not a high level skill. And honestly, it's one of my biggest frustrations is the marketing tactics that these companies use and they are putting the pressure on parents to get their kids reading earlier and earlier, and that if they aren't using this new app or this new game that their child is going to be behind. And that just is not the case. And I want everyone to know that kids do not need to be reading by the time they enter kindergarten! And what they actually do need is three things. And I will, I'll tell you them. So if you are doing these three things daily, your child, by the time they get ready to be in kindergarten, they'll be ready to thrive and take off with what, what they need to know. So number one is play.

Kailan Carr (11:05):

Play is so important and they, your kids, need the time and the space to dive deeply into their play. It's not like, don't feel pressured to set up an activity for them or have a sensory bin or you, I feel like parents still get that pressure, even if it's screen free time, that they need to have something to do. And it's not true. Like just have that time and space and let your kids play. And number two is connection and conversation. And they learn so much just by watching and interacting with us. Whether you're, you're cooking in the kitchen or you are folding laundry, like all those things you can be talking and practicing pre-reading concepts such as rhyming and phonemic awareness and just your daily tasks like play writing games, You can clap out syllables and sounds and words, that sort of thing.

Kailan Carr (11:58):

And then number three is reading. So if you are just reading every day to your child, you are doing so much without even like realizing it. You're building their concepts of print on how a book works and how  you go from left to right and how there's a cover. And that these, these words on the page have meaning you're building the vocabulary and it's the perfect amount of stimulation for their brain too. There was a study called like Goldilocks Effect where books on tape are a little underwhelming under stimulating for kids, it was, it was a little harder for them to pay attention, whereas, e-readers was on the other end of the spectrum where if you have like a book on a screen that's interactive, that was too overstimulating. So reading a book in print is like the perfect amount of stimulation for kids and it connects that warm fuzzy feeling of being close to you with the activity of reading. And that is just pure magic. And that is how you raise a reader right there.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:06):

Yeah. It's got that intrinsic motivator of just like you said, that warm, cozy, fuzzy feeling that will drive that. I think those of us who have favorite books from childhood, we don't know why they're even a favorite book. Well, if you were to look at it with your adult eyes, you would think, well this is a cute story, but I'm not sure. You know, and it may just have been that that was the book that you got read to 15 times in a row.

Kailan Carr (13:36):

You connected to it. Yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:38):

So we have to take a break, but when we come back, we're gonna dive deeper into figuring out the healthiest ways to help our littles become lifelong learners.

Ad Break - HSH - BookClub

HIllary Wilkinson(13:53):

Kailan, Carr is passionate about screen free activities and learning through play. She founded Quiet Book Queen and Crafts in between to help parents and grandparents provide screen free activities for their little ones in easy, cost effective ways. She loves to read, road trip, and go to concerts. So now I have to ask Kailan, what was the last concert you went to? <laugh>?

Kailan Carr (14:27):

Uh, John Mayer  and then I went to the Bay Area and saw him again. I'm a big fan. <laugh>.

Hillary Wilkinson (14:46):

Wow. Nice. Okay, so let's talk about play. I think we've all heard this phrase that play is the work of childhood, but not everybody understands that. So could you unpack that a little bit?

Kailan Carr (15:02):

Yeah. So real life play is literally connecting neurons and building pathways and growing your child's brain. So by age three each child's brain grows 80%, and by age five it's up to 90%. So this is the critical time period that is going to lay the foundation for the rest of your child's life <laugh> and research studies are using MRI technology and have shown that too much screen time does affect the brain. And that's why I feel so strongly about limiting screen time in the early years because there's going to be plenty of time in a child's life to learn and use tech as a tool. But I want to preserve childhood for play, make sure they're building their fine motor skills, their imaginations, their executive functioning skills, their creativity, and all of those things that then, then the tech can come later once they realize, you know, that they can do all the other things first

Hillary Wilkinson (16:00):

<laugh>. Right. And with the, um, the MRIs that have been done on children's brains in particular, one of the things that I find most alarming is that they've detected a lack of, or a thinning of white matter in the brain. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So we have gray matter and we have white matter. Very, very abbreviated brain science according to Hillary <laugh> <laugh>: The, the gray matter is more like content areas and the white matter is more like roadways to the, to the gray matter.  And the white matter thins as we age, it's a natural part of the aging process. So if we are starting our children out by depleting that white matter, it's going to have lasting consequences. We just don't know what it is yet.

Kailan Carr (17:00):

Yes. That is the, the crazy thing that we're living in this experiment. I feel like, like the iPhone and iPads and devices have only really been around for 15 years and, and like 15 years is such a short amount of time and it has completely changed the way we live our lives and we have seen so many effects, negative effects in this time period. And there's studies now that are showing it, but we are now so entrenched in this new way of life, but we're having a hard time, giving it up.

Hillary Wilkinson (17:36):

And you look over the human life and you go, Oh, it's been around for 15 years. Okay, well 15 years seems like a, you know, Okay. Well, I mean that's for if you're 30, that's like half your life. It seems like a long time. Well, when you balance that with the evolution of us as a species where we've evolved to this point, it's actually, you know, it's a little egocentric to think that we've figured out a, a better hack, you know? Right. To learning or, or working together or connecting as, you know, all of the things that promote social behavior and good, good fellowship <laugh>.

Kailan Carr (18:16):

Yes.

Hillary Wilkinson (18:17):

So what makes offline or physical play different from online play? I mean, it seems like kids are having fun in both elements.  What, what makes the two different types of play different?

Kailan Carr (18:41):

Well, there is another study that is, that shows like kids playing on, on a screen and manipulating blocks with like their finger versus actually playing with blocks and building the stacks. There is a difference. Kids cannot transfer the information they're getting from the screen to real life. And what, what helps transfer that is like human interaction. So that's what they say when you're watching a show with your child to watch it with them. And then you can take that information that they're seeing and you can connect it and talk about, maybe it's the letter E, you know, then later on you can, you know, say, "Oh there's a letter E, we learned about that today and what sound does that letter make?" And you know, you can continue it further on. And then, I don't know if you wanna continue, I was gonna talk about social emotional learning. Sure.

Hillary Wilkinson (19:35):

Yeah. You know, I was, I was gonna ask how about emotional learning and self regulation, <laugh>?

Kailan Carr (19:42):

Cause I think this is so, so important that kids have emotions, big emotions, and we have to teach them how to deal with them and play really helps kids sort through those feelings and work through different situations, even when big scary things are happening. Like the pandemic for instance, like play was a comfort to them and that was a standard. And whereas screens are sort of numbing and you go to them to escape. And so we really have to be careful when it comes to using screens as like a pacifier for our kids or to make them happy, to get 'em to calm down. Cause we don't want them needing a screen in order to feel better and calm down and soothe themselves. And you don't want them just bottling up their emotions and not working through them, um, just so that they are distracted by the screen for the moment. 

Hillary Wilkinson (20:33):

I kind of feel like when, uh, we turn to screens as a, as a quote unquote coping mechanism to deal with big emotions, it's almost like you can view the screen as like a cork, but it's like all that mm-hmm. <affirmative>, all that stuff, that stuff that's putting us in that highly agitated state isn't really going anywhere. It's not dispersing, we're not really dealing with it. We're just corking it. And yeah, it's stopping, it's stopping the outflow of all the emotions, but it's going to come out later. And I think that also that that's why you have, like, when you, uh, for example when if you have a child who's been playing video games or something like this and you get, you ask them to stop, oftentimes when they come off the screen, they're completely dysregulated. They're super grouchy, they're super, you know, you have somebody who's usually very helpful and maybe will set the table very easily help with all the family jobs. And instead you have somebody who's throwing things, knocking over chairs or, you know, just very much grouchy That's cuz you've just uncorked that bottle that's been like, you know, under pressure while we're, while we're dealing with that screen and now everything's just flying. So it's not

Kailan Carr (22:00):

I love that analogy. Yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson (22:01):

So the screen is not actually a coping mechanism. What we need to do is teach our kids how to air out that bottle.

Kailan Carr (22:11):

Work through it.

Hillary Wilkinson (22:15):

Yes. So I know that you are not just busy with your business and all the, all of the family duties.But you're also heavy into advocacy against tech in schools. And I would like to extend to you an opportunity to just like freestyle here. <laugh>. I mean, what do you wish all parents knew about tech in younger grades or what kind of message do you wanna impart to school boards across the country? No pressure. No pressure here. <laugh> like I said, freestyle for me. Kalin

Kailan Carr (22:58):

<laugh>, we, we might need another hour here if I'm gonna talk to school boards, <laugh>, um, I, first of I'll talk to parents and say like, I know as a parent coming from limiting my child's screen time in the early years it can be difficult transitioning into this new phase because you have more control in those early years and you can choose your daycare or your preschool based on your values. And screen time is definitely one of mine. Uh, and then they hit kindergarten and there's more rigid school systems and tech is definitely more and more involved. So sometimes you might be able to choose and continue, you know, Montessori or Waldorf schools or you might choose to homeschool. That wasn't an option for me and my family. So I headed down the public school path and I've navigated, so what I've learned my kids are now in third and fifth grade, um, is don't be afraid to speak up and advocate for your child.

Kailan Carr (23:59):

And you are not going to be able to control what the school district is mandating that their teachers do. And you can't tell them how to run their classroom, but you can ask questions and ask them like, what programs are you using that involve a computer and how much time are they on it per day? And it will help get teachers thinking about the choices they're making. Maybe they just have not thought about the amount of time that they're putting kids on screens and your questions are just gonna be like, "Oh yeah, maybe, maybe I could  choose this instead of math on the computer because they've already had, you know, reading on the computer." You know, something like that. And for me personally, I don't have my kids, uh, do screen time during the week because I know they get enough during the day at school.

Kailan Carr (24:47):

Like there's programs, they're mandated minutes on certain programs and I just, I just, right now it's a big fight and I, I'm doing what I can through school board meetings, but it's a big job so you can only control like what you can control in your, in your home and with the communication with your teacher is so important. And if you just establish a connection and a relationship and just talk about your concerns and say, you know, I notice this when my child is on too much screen time. I wanna make your life easier. I want, you know, and I don't want to use it as a time filler so I'm gonna send some activities that are screen free. Like can he, he or she please just read books when they're done with assignments or um, you know, write a story or help you?  School should be a place for encouraging reading and writing stories and playing games with your peers instead of killing time with a computer game. Even if it's educational. It, it's just those benefits are not there. Compared to human interaction and reading and writing and like that's what school is for and we don't need to get into this trap of better test scores. We need this computer game to get them. Cause I've watched my kids play these computer games, these educational games and they spend so much time wasting around on creating their avatars and then the learning is not really good. Like perfect for them. It's way too easy so they just like go through it or if it's too hard they're not understanding it and they just skip over things. It's, it's just not valuable.

Hillary Wilkinson (26:43):

We have to take a short break but when we come back I'm going to ask Kailan Carr for her healthy screen habit.

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Hillary Wilkinson (00:05):

My guest today is royalty of a different sort as the Quiet Book Queen Kailan Carr has helped hundreds of people make quiet books through her swap groups, page kits and templates. She also has a monthly membership inner circle, screen free fun, where she creates new printable screen free activities each month so you don't have to do any of the searching or the planning.  It's a new year and time for some new habits to aspire to. In each episode, I ask for a healthy screen habit, and this is a tip or takeaway that listeners can put into practice in their own home. Do you have a New Year's healthy screen habit to share with us today?

Kailan Carr (00:55):

Yes. I'm always trying to be a good role model for my kids, and even then, it's so hard. I have turned off my notifications. I have my phone on silent and it, it still gets to me. So my latest thing is using the Downtime function on my phone so that I don't automatically go through the habit loop of checking all my apps, because I'll find, I'm on Pinterest looking on a recipe, and then I'm checking my email and then I'm on Instagram checking for messages, and then I'm on Facebook checking for messages. And it's just this loop that you get sucked into. And so that is my, my advice. And then:  phone in the other room is just the best option! That is what I prefer. But when you have to have your phone with you, it's nice to lock it down like that.

Hillary Wilkinson (01:47):

So just, you just turn on downtime or how does that work?

Kailan Carr (01:51):

Yeah, there's a function in your settings. I think it's in screen time, and you can set your downtime for certain time periods so it grays out like the apps that you've selected. And so it only has access to like your text messages or, you know, and then if you need to get in, it'll say like, "Let me in for 15 minutes", or like, finish for the day. But it just really helps the automatic like part where you go in, it's, it, that is what, like, is so scary to me because I know all the research and I know you know what's happening and it is still affecting me. And I still fall for the endless loops and cycles that social media and like the phones like are designed to keep you on there for as long as possible and it's working. So I'm trying to definitely be mindful.

Hillary Wilkinson (02:44):

<laugh>. I love it. I love it. I think we can always, I think anytime you can build in that little, uh, I don't know, that little like speed bump <laugh> mm-hmm. <affirmative>, you know, just to give yourself a little pause of like, “Okay, wait a minute, I really wanna do this?” You know, <laugh>. Right, right. Okay. As always, a complete transcript of this episode as well as a link to Kaylin's website, quietbookqueen.com, can be found in today's show notes. You can find these by going to the healthyscreenhabits.org website. Click on the podcast button and use the dropdown menu to find this episode. Kailan, I can't thank you enough for meeting with me today. It's really fun and it's not every day I speak with royalty.

Kailan Carr (03:31):

Oh, well thank you so much for having me. And if you listeners would like some free activities, um, if you go to my website, quietbookqueen.com, there's a popup and you can download like six different activities to use for like ages three to seven.