"Once we create connection, we can start creating awareness for our child as to how tech makes them feel."

  -Jeanine Mouchawar, CPC

Healthy Screen Habits Takeaway

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Hillary Wilkinson (00:00):

The mission of Healthy Screen Habits is to empower families to create healthy habits for screen use while maintaining technology as a tool, never a replacement ,for human connection. So, my guest today is all about connection. As a life coach for the parents of teenagers, she helps make parenting easier by teaching new communication strategies that reduce conflict and create calm. She has three adult children of her own and is going to teach us all about creating positive, meaningful relationships with the people in our own home. Welcome to Healthy Screen Habits. Jeanine Muchawar!

Jeanine Mouchawar (01:01):

Thanks, Hillary. I'm so happy to be here. It's a pleasure to talk to you.

Hillary Wilkinson (01:07):

Same. Okay. So Jeanine, before we get started with any of the screen habits stuff, this term “life coach" is one that I was unfamiliar with up until maybe about, I wanna say like seven years ago. And now I feel like I hear it everywhere, but I'm still a little unclear as to what it is. So can you, what is a life coach? How does it differ from say, like a therapist or a social worker? 

Jeanine Mouchawar (01:35):

Sure. Yeah. I actually am right there with you. I didn't know what one was either a decade ago. Um, and I kind of fell into it because of some family circumstances. But, um, I think the easiest way to understand what it is, at least for me, I come from a family of athletes. If you think about a professional athlete wants to be the best, right? He's good, but he wants to be great. Um, he hires a coach, right? And the coach provides new strategies, maybe a new, you know, different mindset, different way to think about things so they can have the best outcome possible. Mm. And so a life coach is very similar. You know, we meet with clients, we get to understand what's going on in their life, where they're getting stuck. And then talk to them about, well, ideally, what do you want your life to be at? What do you want it to look like and why? And then we help you get there. We partner with you and, you know, teach tools, teach strategies, ask really great questions to kind of unearth if you've got, um, a belief that's keeping you stuck, a thought that's keeping you stuck, maybe assumptions you're making or interpretations, that's a big one for parents of teens and how it's stopping you from really having the life that you want in this case as a parent with your teen.

Hillary Wilkinson (03:03):

So one of the things that gets a lot of focus in this niche of the world that I'm in, um, called “digital wellness” is this disruptive nature that tech has upon relationships and relational health. That's the big thing that we focus on, is that relational health. And it would seem like this is where your superpowers can really come out. So can you give us an idea -what are most parents of teens struggling with today?

Jeanine Mouchawar (04:29):

Yeah. Ooh, a lot of things, right? I mean, they, I think they observe their teens, um, you know, doing behaviors, uh, that worry them, actions that worry them. Maybe it's too much time on their tech. Maybe their grades are suffering. Maybe they're picking friends that they think aren’t, you know, a healthy match for them. Um, you know, a whole host of things. And when parents see behaviors that they find worrisome, um, you know, they tend to want to fix it <laugh>. And so they talk to their teen in a way that's telling them what they should do, what they need to do, um, maybe the right way to do things, or offering your wisdom or your lesson and your life lesson. And you're, when they get to be a teenager, they think, well, you don't know what you're talking about. You know, you don't get me, you don't understand me. You don't understand what's going on with me. And so they tend not to listen or pay. They'll pay lip service or some to the point will literally say, “get out of my room!”  And push you away, and disconnect from you. And I think parents are left feeling like, you know, I can't get my teen to listen if they just listen to me. Um, all would be okay. And instead what they're left with is this like constant battles and conflict.

Hillary Wilkinson (05:51):

Mm mm Um, yeah. So because we're healthy screen habits and because I'm the parent of a teen <laugh>, I'm just wondering, um, we're gonna get into your five steps, but I, I find it interesting that you're bringing up this concept of like, parents having a disconnect from their teens. I just did a two day workshop in a local high school. And one of the things that I do in the workshop is I have the kids write out, um, one thing they wish their parents understood about tech. Okay? And much of what was being said was, it just seems like there's this great misunderstanding where most parents are coming from what sounds to me to be a place of fear, which is completely understandable mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Um, but there's almost this, uh, by trying to over control, they're almost severing relationship ties, it feels like. Does that, does that sound familiar to you or no? Cause like when I was talking to the kids…

Jeanine Mouchawar (07:07):

A hundred percent

Hillary Wilkinson (07:08):

Mm-hmm.

Jeanine Mouchawar (07:08):

Yeah,

Jeanine Mouchawar (07:09):

A hundred percent. I mean, I think you're absolutely right. Parents see, like, let's see, um, they see their child using tech, you know, they're on TikTok or they're playing a video game, and then all of a sudden they get a bad grade, right? They associate the two and assume that the tech's the problem and wanna shut it down. And so they, you know, approach them out of, like you said, out of fear. Um, and having a conversation from there tends to shut the conversation down and the child stops listening because to your point, exactly what they were saying and telling you is they feel like you don't get it, or in your words, they feel misunderstood. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So if you start with first relating to them and showing that you understand how compelling, how exciting the tech can be for them, then they're more open to having a conversation around the impact of tech on their life.

Jeanine Mouchawar (08:14):

Yeah. But that's what we don't do. We don't start with, Hey,  like my son just got a, the new video game that's Harry Potter themed, right? So, and the old me before I knew these strategies would've been like, “Get off your tech. You need to study, right? Or get off the video game. All you do is watch video games all the time.” And you know, as we all do have that sort of emotional gut reaction because out of fear, we're worried there's gonna be a negative impact from it on their grades, on their wellbeing in terms of health or emotions. And you know, now with these tools, I'm realizing, wow, in order to really have an impact on the amount of time he's spending on this new game, it's more effective if I start asking him about it.

Jeanine Mouchawar (09:09):

“Oh, I See you got this new game. What are you playing? Oh, what do you like about it? What's interesting?”

Jeanine Mouchawar (09:16):

Start with the conversation in their world.

Hillary Wilkinson (09:21):

My gosh, it's so interesting to me how similar the parenting advice of, and I would never say this in front of teenagers, but how similar it is to parenting toddlers, you know, the whole Connect before you Correct. My background's in early childhood development, and so it's like, I just see this overlap again and again and again that connect before you correct. Seek to understand before making a move forward. You know, and the, the navigation of this time will go a little smoother. The other thing that I think, um, the teens felt very misunderstood about just in reading the comments from these cards, um, was the lack of understanding that parents have, that they're using their tech as a tool. They are not just using it as a toy or entertainment. They were saying, I mean, these are high flying teens.

Hillary Wilkinson (10:20):

They're applying for colleges at this point. They're, you know, I mean they are very focused and they were saying, my mom sees me on my phone and all she thinks I'm doing is social media. And I'm like, “Well, maybe I'm doing my updates because my coach just told me that I have to keep my, you know, and it's like, yes, yes, perhaps it is social media, but perhaps I'm using it for a different reason. Or maybe I'm the president of this club on campus and we're arranging an event.” So I think I cannot underline what you're saying enough of like, like take a, take a step back cuz it will put you a step ahead, connect before you correct. 

Jeanine Mouchawar (11:06):

Oh, that's so good. Yeah. I think I've got like this model that I teach, like first engage, then connect, and at the end we'll work on the cooperation, right? Or the behavior itself. You gotta back it up and first figure out how to engage in a conversation, then figure out how to connect with them. You know, so they end up being able to maybe make a different choice. Hmm. Um, but yeah, what you're talking about when the teen said like they're using it as a tool, it kind of piggybacks on what we talked about at the beginning that oftentimes parents, including myself, make assumptions and interpretations right. As to what they are doing on their phone. And then we get really angry, right? We just assume that they're using it for, you know, entertainment purposes when they might actually be using it as a tool. And so when you can slow yourself down and start with a question <laugh>, I go, “Hey, what's going on? What you doing?” Or, right? Oh, you know, like get come from a place more of curiosity versus a place of control and authority, you know, before you speak, you have a much better chance of getting more of the outcome that you're looking for.

Hillary Wilkinson (12:28):

That is golden <laugh>. Yeah. Okay. So next, let's talk about things that we can do to make parenting with tech easier. But first we have to take a little break.

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Hillary Wilkinson (13:21):

I'm speaking with Jeanine Mouchawar, parenting coach extraordinaire! She is passionate about helping parents learn how to teach their teens cooperation, responsibility, and critical life skills to empower them for success. So, Jeanine, true confession time <laugh>. Sometimes I invite guests for purely selfish motives. <laugh>

Jeanine Mouchawar (13:52):

Love it.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:52):

Is, this is partially one of those times. <laugh>

Jeanine Mouchawar (13:55):

<laugh>. Alright. Hopefully I can help.

Hillary Wilkinson (13:57):

However I feel I would be remiss if I passed up an opportunity to ask an expert on teenagers while parenting my own <laugh>. So I, when you, uh, you list this, you know, life critical life skills and I'm like, well, what life skills do you think are critical for ongoing success? Because clearly you have a lot more experience in knowing all of this.

Jeanine Mouchawar (14:21):

Yeah, yeah. Great question. You know, when it comes to life skills, I think what happens is if you, we kind of look what we're doing when we're parenting. Like, I noticed I was trying to fix the situation a lot or do things for my child or solving the problem or telling them how to solve the problem. And when you think about that, those are all life skills that we really want our teenagers to develop so that when they leave our nest and, you know, when they're 18 and they go do college or whatever other choice they make, that they have these skills to take with them. You know? But when we get really scared or fearful about choices they're making and solutions they're coming up with, and we start offering our own, instead of helping them do the heavy lifting, like think through what is the best choice here when I'm facing this problem, right?

Jeanine Mouchawar (15:21):

So we wanna give them the opportunity in the room to create, to, to go through the thought work of solving their own problems in the safety of our home when they're in high school, right? Because when they're in high school, they're living with us and we can be that safety net.  It’s much more challenging to send them off into the world. They don't have these problem solving life skills. And now combined with we're no longer a safety net there for them. And that's when I see a lot of kids, you know, getting a lot of anxiety and stress often coming back home because they don't have the tools and the skills to cope with just, you know, getting to class on time, how to talk to a professor when there's a challenge going on. How do I eat healthy? How do I monitor my sleep habits? How do I monitor my tech habits? Right? Yeah. So I can basically be living the life that I want to live. So yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson (16:25):

I can, I can absolutely see how the overwhelm would hit hard if there was no chance to practice. And I'm like, I'm tying it all in with that coach thing cuz I'm like, yeah, you don't wait until the game to expect performance. You practice, practice, practice, practice. 

Jeanine Mouchawar (16:46):

Right. And what I notice is as parents, it's so natural to come in and say, “Hey, you should do this,” or “You need to do this.”, or you offer your wisdom or your life lesson, or you explain the core, you know, the right way to do it and why we're so well-intentioned and we want the best for our children. It's why we're saying that, it's also, well, one, the kid usually disconnects cuz they don't want to hear what you have to say. But also if you just take a step back in realizing, oh, you know, I'm actually robbing them from developing those life skills that they need so they can launch, you know, when it's time.

Hillary Wilkinson (17:25):

Right. Right. So there's a lot of buzz about the data, about the human brain not being fully formed, not having the ability to perform executive function skills. Uh, what I'm talking about is the development of the, uh, prefrontal lobes. And, um, so when I talk to some parents that's the pushback is like, well, they, they don't even have the ability right now. They don't even have the brain power. So what would be your, this is totally becoming just my conversation that I want to have with you, <laugh>.

Jeanine Mouchawar (18:04):

I love it. So good. 

Hillary Wilkinson (18:07):

But what would be your pushback on that? Because I'm like, I, I kind of feel like you, like no, we, it's not, it's not that they're, I mean, I feel like you have to kind of coach them through this process to develop those executive functioning skills. Am I wrong in thinking that?

Jeanine Mouchawar (18:27):

No, no. Oh my gosh. No, you're so right. Right. We don't wanna get sort of into an all or nothing thing. Like we're either, I've gotta provide all of the solutions or none of the solutions. What I, you know, my whole philosophy is let's, let's find the middle ground here. When they're teenagers, we need a middle ground. And, um, one analogy that my clients find super helpful is to think about it as, you know, from zero to 12, zero to 13, you were the senior level manager, right? And you were hands on and they needed your guidance, they needed a lot of interaction. They needed to be told, Hey, this is how you do things. They needed your help fixing things. Right. Very hands-on. But when they're a teenager, think about it as if you've been promoted to CEO, right? So a CEO is not going to let the people under them just have a free for all <laugh>, right?

Jeanine Mouchawar (19:25):

They're, they're the leader, they're guiding and influencing with leadership. They're teaching instead of making them do it a certain way. Right. Or trying to control them, doing it a certain way. Instead, they're more in the background teaching, guiding, motivating. Um, that's your new role. It's not to abandon them all together, cuz you're right, their frontal lobes are not fully developed. And, um, you know, they have a lot of, many kids have trouble controlling their impulses, mm-hmm. <affirmative> or having the life experiences to make safe choices. So we wanna set boundaries, we wanna set limits, um, in the context of you're, we're going either it will turn out more successful if you're thinking, how can I teach them versus how can I make them a little more of the CEO leadership skills versus like the hands-on manager skills.

Hillary Wilkinson (20:29):

Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. So I know you have this, uh, five step process to build and strengthen family connections. Can you share some of the steps with us to help with cooperation regarding technology specifically?

Jeanine Mouchawar (20:46):

Sure. Absolutely. Um, so let's take, um, the example of your daughter's on TikTok. You know, and you feel like she's consumed with her appearance. She's like, how do I do my hair? What about my makeup? What do I wear? All those sorts of things. And you look at that and you get worried and scared like she's beautiful just the way she is. Right? And you wanna help her be confident and just authentically her. Um, so you get worried. Um, and what happens when we start dropping into fear and worry, um, is that we tend to react emotionally to the situation versus respond intentionally with our wise mind. And so the first step in my foundational five step process that we work on is first calming your own nervous system before you engage in a conversation with your teenager. Hmm. So that's step one. Yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson (21:49):

There's

Jeanine Mouchawar (21:50):

Lots of obviously intricacies to that, but we have very limited time today <laugh>. Right,

Hillary Wilkinson (21:54):

Right, right, right. No, I think, I feel like I've asked you to, uh, cure the common cold here in about 15 minutes. Can we do that <laugh>? So that was not fair. So it's not fair. 

Jeanine Mouchawar (22:06):

Take it with a grain of salt. I usually work with clients for six months, so this is a little taste. Um, but but it's the concepts. It's the concepts. Yes. Yes. And so when you move into steps two and three, um, steps two is about stating your observation with no tone, no judgment, just what you see. And step three is following that with a curious question. So that might sound something like, Hey, I noticed, you know, you've been on TikTok looking at, you know, Kim Kardashian or whoever they follow these days. You know, what's, what's up with that? What's going on there? Right? Because it's like we were talking about before, Hillary, you first wanna engage them in a conversation mm-hmm. <affirmative>, and this is, I help parents with scripts to get them to engage their teen in a conversation versus their teen throwing the wall up or paying lip service or pushing them away.

Jeanine Mouchawar (23:00):

So steps 1, 2, 3 starts with helping engage them in a conversation. And then step four is about that connection we talked about. And for there, it's, um, I teach parents how to validate what their kids are feeling and experiencing. And that's, um, something that I know I was missing and a lot of, I noticed lots of my clients are missing too, is helping your child feel like, Hey, I am on your team, I am on your side. I understand I'm listening. Um, I, you know, just coming from that place of really trying to connect. And when you do that, also normalizing their feelings, right? So they might feel like they have no choice but to be on this influencer's, um, social media watching what they're doing because they're, they wanna fit in, right? They wanna feel like that they're doing what everybody else is doing. That's a natural teen desire.

Jeanine Mouchawar (24:05):

And so the validation piece, um, and connecting with them in terms of their feelings does, there's twofold. One is helping them feel like you're on their side and on their team. And the other is to help them feel like, Hey, nothing's wrong with you. It's perfectly normal what you're, you know, the desire that you have to want to fit in mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so when we go through that step four, that's what creates the connection so that we can get to step five, which is the cooperation and what we just talked about earlier, which is how to help them build these life skills that they want. Right? So in terms of this example, you know, you might, after, after you feel like, “okay, I'm, I'm connecting with her, she's engaged in this conversation with me, like, we're having this great conversation”, you know, then you can ask a question like, “Hey, you know, I'm just curious, like, how does it make you feel when you are following that influencer?”

Hillary Wilkinson (25:07):

Yeah. And if you're starting to explore a little, whether it's serving them.  Or draining them. Mm-hmm.

Jeanine Mouchawar (25:15):

Exactly. That's exactly what we wanna do, right? So we, once we create the connection, we can start creating awareness for our child as to how the tech makes them feel. Because when they make that connection, Hillary, then they can, they're more empowered to make the decision, is this what I wanna be doing with my time? I

Hillary Wilkinson (25:37):

Love it. Love, love it, all of it. I wish we had more time <laugh>. Me too. It's so much to digest. But when we come back, I'm gonna ask Jeanine for her healthy screen habit.

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Hillary Wilkinson:

I'm talking with Jeanine Mouchawar, a parent coach who specializes in parenting teenagers. So Jeanine, on every episode of the Healthy Screen Habits podcast, I ask each guest for a healthy screen habit, which is a tip or takeaway that our listeners can put into practice in their own home. Do you have one?

Jeanine Mouchawar (26:39):

Of course I do. <laugh>, I love this question. It, it actually piggybacks off what we were just talking about and just this whole episode where, you know, you wanna first engage and connect with your child. And after you've done that, a beautiful question to ask is, “How do you feel when you're on your screen?” Mm-hmm. <affirmative> How do you feel when you're playing the video games or after you get off of the video game? Like, are you tense? Are you angry? Right? <laugh>Or are you like, happy and joyful? How do you feel after you've spent, you know, a half hour looking at an influencer on TikTok? Like, are you feeling confident about yourself? Do you feel good about yourself? And to start really getting that conversation going where your teen can start reflecting on how their tech makes them feel.

Hillary Wilkinson (27:34):

I love that because I also feel like that holds hands with what you were talking about earlier of kind of, like leading them without saying, without, without, you know, slapping the hammer down on something. But with that, you're making them realize what they're doing may or may not be the best idea for them. And so, but when the decision comes from them to drop an account or to, you know, put up some screen time limits, it's so much more powerful than if…

Jeanine Mouchawar (28:16):

That's how it's effective. Yeah. Right. And that's being a leader and teaching. Yeah.

Hillary Wilkinson (28:22):

I love it

Jeanine Mouchawar (28:23):

Teaching them to come up with their own solution to make themselves feel better. That's how they actually do it. Because they have buy-in because they've realized, you know, teens lead with, “Hey, what's in it for me? What's the benefit to me?” And so when you can lead them to that, they're more likely to change their screen habits.

Hillary Wilkinson (28:45):

And I love it that, um, as of this episode, I think every mom can go ahead and promote herself to CEO. Okay. <laugh>.

Jeanine Mouchawar (28:54):

Absolutely. I love it. Let's be a bunch of CEO moms of teens. I love it. Exactly.

Hillary Wilkinson (29:01):

As always, you can find a complete transcript of this show and a link to Jeanine Mouchawar Coaching by going to healthy screen habits.org. Click the podcast button and scroll down to find this episode. Jeanine, thank you for the job promotion, the conversation, all of it. It's been great. Thanks so much-

Jeanine Mouchawar (29:21):

Hillary. Thanks for having me. It was an honor to be here.